That's the Way the One Tough Tossed Cookie Crumbles, by Jeff

While pondering cookies (a lovely endeavor, by the way, I highly recommend it), I started thinking of all the colloquialisms that involve the word "cookie."

Which naturally led to the realization that they are all horrible. I mean, just look at this list!

1. "Tossing your cookies."

Right off the bat, you see what I'm saying, right? What an unnecessarily terrible turn of phrase. Not to mention inconvenient. Let's say, for the sake of argument, that I happen to bake some cookies. Completely possible. And who knows, maybe when they're finished, just maybe, I'd like to throw them back and forth with a friend. Understandable, right? Who wouldn't want to play a delightful round of cookie catch? But here's the problem: how can I explain the natural joy one receives when tossing fresh-baked cookies around without immediately dredging up queasy associations? DAMN YOU, STUPID PHRASE. You've rendered me unable to effectively describe what I feel to be a highly probable activity.

2. "That's just the way the cookie crumbles."

See, now this one is just silly. The phrase is meant to express resignation at various injustices in life, correct? Answer me this, you bunch of turtleneck-wearing snob knobs: since when is a crumbled cookie comparable to some sort of life catastrophe? Since when is a crumbled cookie even a PROBLEM! JUST EAT THE COOKIE ALREADY! What are we, a bunch of intact-cookie-swallowing python-people?!

Don't answer that.

3. "Wow, you're/she's/he's one tough cookie!"

Let me get this straight: before, we were sorrowfully accepting the cookie as an inherently fragile confectionery. Now suddenly we're praising people's rough-and-readiness by comparing them to this brittle dessert? This one really opens the floodgates, if we assume the "flood" consists of backhanded compliments. "Boy, you're one smart orangutan!" "Man, she's one level-headed conservative!" "Hey! What a happy camper!"

Oh, wait. That last one already exists.

And these examples don't even begin to deal with the variations (I like to call them mutilations) on the word "cookie" itself. What about "nookie?" What does that stand for? NUDE cookie? NUBILE cookie? I'm disgusted just thinking about what the recipe might be for those. And of course there's also the ubiquitous "dookie," which, as Wikipedia tells us, means diarrhea from eating spoiled food while on tour. Well that's just AWESOME, Green Day, thanks for the cultural contribution. Hey, give me a sec, I think can come up with a slang term too!

"Fake-punk-ookie." It refers to the musical diarrhea some bands (hint: rhymes with "Green Day." Rhymes EXACTLY with "Green Day.") suffer from while JUST PLAIN TOURING, period.

Oh, man, that's a BURN.

Anyway, time for some cookie-tossing! Oh, wait, CRAP.