Worst American Gladiator Names Ever, by Jeff

Another crazy week, just like next week will be as well. About the only thing I was able to do this week that wasn't work or sleep was watch American Gladiators, so I'll keep with that theme. Close your eyes, and picture this:

...wait. Sorry. Don't close your eyes. You gotta read this. My bad. Just picture this, and continue reading as you do:

The Worst American Gladiator Names Ever Assembled

"Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the new AMERICAN GLADIATORS! Let's meet the NEW GROUP OF GLADIATORS!"

[A heavily muscled woman staggers out, chest heaving, eyes wide] "The breathtaking ASPHYXIA!!!"
[A ripped, mustachioed man marches out, kicking in high step] "The cruelly persuasive DICTATOR!!"
[A woman with a shaved head, huge biceps and distended veins comes stomping out] "Abandon all hope, ye who enter BARREN's domain!!!"
[A liberally oiled, stringy-haired man, with red eyes and nose, enters, stopping to sneeze] "He puts the MEAN in antihistamine! It's MUCUS!!!"
[A massive woman plods onto stage, teetering this way and that] "The one, the only, the supercontinent, PANGAEA!!!"
" And finally, he's your worst nightmare! There are no shortcuts around him, no quick escapes from him! Meet...SLOTH!!"
[nothing happens]
"er...the deliberate, the sure-footed - SLOTH!"
[still nothing]
"Umm...he eats berries and small insects! He sleeps 18 hours a day! He has no natural predator! IT'S SLOTH!!!!"
[nothing]

"...god, I hate Sloth."